UPDATE I Never Thought I’d Be Making…

 

I can’t really believe I’m writing this update, and I’m honestly not exactly sure how I’m going to get this all out.  It’s been too scary and overwhelming to face all together in type.  But I think it will be a good step in growing and moving forward.  Regardless of how I write this, if it comes out detached and unemotional, make no mistake, my spirit is wounded.  But it is on the mend.

And it does seem indifferent to put these things in the form of a list, but that’s the way I think I need to do it.  So, here goes.

• In March, I was raped the night before my birthday by someone I thought was a friend.  I was in shock and denial at first.  When I finally contacted Special Victims Services, they urged me to report the assault to the police and that doing so would also allow me to apply to Crime Victim Assistance to have them cover the costs of trauma counseling, as I was definitely not okay.  I have a history of PTSD which was typically manageable, but this new trauma definitely intensified everything.
• I did report the rape.  Nothing came of it because I didn’t go to the hospital or police right away, so it was his word against mine.
• What felt worse, though, was that Crime Victim Assistance denied my claim because I couldn’t prove the rape. I felt very alone.  Among a million other emotions.  I lost friends because he was part of a group that I hung out with.  And without trauma counseling, I. felt like I had to do it all on my own.  And because of my previous counseling experience, I felt like I SHOULD have been fine because I had the coping skills in my arsenal.  But I wasn’t fine.
• Then, my scooter was stolen.  Again.  Which only added to my feelings of violation.
• The scooter was recovered, but not considered fixable by insurance, so they cut me a cheque, minus the deductible.  So this meant I had to find a new scooter within my budget, when I barely felt like leaving my house.  When I did get a new (used) one, I was so terrified it was going to get stolen again that I kept going outside to see if it was still there.  Every little sound I heard.  I got a bat.  I was on edge.
• During this time, my brother disowned me because I came out as bisexual.  I tried to stand up to him, but it only made things worse and he decided he didn’t want me around my nieces and nephew (please, no comments on my brother, I’m just trying to paint a picture of what was going on for me).
• Lost medication and a misunderstanding with my doctor left me suddenly withdrawing cold turkey from prescription pain meds.  The hospital gave me some things to help, one pill in particular that lowered my blood pressure.
• I met someone around this time and was happy he was around because the combination of my medically lowered blood pressure (it got as low as 79/42 at one point and I was somehow still conscious), not sleeping well, not eating much because of the withdrawals, and standing up too fast…it was the perfect storm.  I fainted and fell backwards, head first onto ceramic tiles.
• I wasn’t unconscious for too long, but when I woke up, I saw a terrified face standing over me which made ME terrified.  I didn’t know why I was on the floor, I didn’t remember that we’d moved from the bedroom to the living room, so I didn’t know why I was in the living room…and my head hurt like the dickens.  I actually thought it was bleeding, but miraculously I have tough skin.  The paramedics came, and had to call three firemen to help get me out of my house and the property.  I might be thin, but I’m long, and those corners were awful.  I had my eyes closed at first and at one point thought I was upside down, but in fact, they had stood me up on the end and it felt like I was hanging from the neck brace.  I’m usually very brave during medical emergencies because I’ve been through so many (ha!), but from the second I gained consciousness from this one, I was absolutely terrified and couldn’t stop crying.
• They sent me home without so much as an x-ray.  I’m still waiting for a CT scan.  This was about a month ago, now.  And I’m still having memory and confusion problems that are worse than they were with “just” ordinary brain fog.  And my ear keeps doing this “whooshing” thing…
• So, now I was withdrawing AND recovering from a pretty bad concussion.  Then I got a systemic yeast infection, that included oral thrush…what?! Ya, that one surprised even myself.  Clearly, my immune system was deep in the gutters.  And I’ve been having bladder pain for months, which might end up being Interstitial Cystitis.
• What I ignored at the time, is that I was dating someone who was abusive, controlling, and manipulative.  At least I can say “was”, because I managed to get him out of my life just two days ago.  Not before I lent him money that I will never see again, but that can live on his conscious…taking money from a woman on disability.  He saw my weaknesses and capitalized.  When he was good, he was great.  But it’s just another lesson.

It’s all just a lesson.  Lesson upon lessons.  I can learn from all of it.  I’m a survivor.  That’s the gift.  The gift is also realizing that I’m truly NOT alone.  In the last couple of days I’ve felt more love from friends than I have in a while.  And my mom, of course, is always there for me and I love her dearly.

So!  What does this mean for Sassy Celiac?

Well, for starters, I’d like to apologize to the brands and events that I was supposed to review.  I felt guilty, but I had to let that guilt go and do my best to get through each day.

Secondly, my “lease” or whatever it is…my subscription for this site is coming up next month and I’m uncertain whether I will renew.  I love helping people and am so grateful for all the connections I’ve made through…well, through this crazy disease LOL  That was the gift that Celiac Disease gave me.  All of you 🙂

However, right now, I think I have a lot of healing to do, and I think it might involve a different journey.  I mean, obviously I’ll still be gluten-free.  And, three years later, my TTG numbers are SO CLOSE to normal.  But I’ll always be interested in new products and events.  In fact, I already have a date lined up with my mom to the Fraser Valley Food Show in October 🙂  But I think I need to do it with less feelings of self-imposed pressure and obligation.

Even as I’m writing this, I’m completely unsure whether or not I will renew LOL

But just in case, what I really want to say is……………

 

 

Always and Forever,

Sassy Celiac

PS: I still have my Facebook Page, Instagram @SASSYCELIAC, and Twitter @yummyGFpamcakes